A Positive Result

A Positive Result

A positive result

The test was positive, so wasn't I?

In another life I'd tried so hard

Wanted so much

It had been seen as the next step,

Inevitable, easy, expected.

But it wasn't to be,

Now after everything,

It happened.

As you grew, so did I,

Both of us developing,

Growing independantly, but as one...

As your strength developed, mine wained.

I was torn between doing the right thing,

Whatever that was or is,

Did I deserve you?

Did you deserve me?

I felt you deserved better.

That you were worth more.

I wanted you to have the best.

Was this the start of me becoming a true mother?

Secrets

The secret of happiness is love

The secret of love is being loved

The secret of being loved is to love

It is all one vicious circle.

Happy together, while it lasted

I hoped it would work

I wonder what you hoped

Living together on a cloud

In a world of dreams

It all seemed so real

You were the dream

But the feeling I had

When you left my life

Was like a nightmare

The felling hurt

The pain uncontrollable

My heart stabbed

Ripped from my chest

Held in front of my tear drenched face

Still beating

This is one vicious circle.

Care

Sitting alone

In this dark

And desperate time

In this damp

Brick shelter, I refuse to call 'home'.

They offer

Each other, love.

They offer

me, safety.

Somebody, somewhere,

Must understand,

Recognise this relations

Recognise the hurt and pain.

Will I ever get past this

This, inevitable stage,

Is this just a pit stop,

On life's grand race?

What is the use of safety?

Safe from what?

No amount of love

No amount of money

Can keep you safe in this world.

I don't belong here

I seriously doubt, I belong anywhere,

After the usual explosions

The dust settles

Life carries on.

With me, just a spectator

On Life's Grand Race.

The Dagger Called Love

It is never just a change of heart

It is a sadistic twist of a knife

Turning and twisting

Leaving you scarred for life.

Love has a habit of changing

A heart breaking

Torn and twisted, wrenched,

From a life in the making.

They tell you it is 'Forever'

They say 'True Love Never Dies'

The truth never told

The truth, someone always cries.

Love has a habit of hiding

Letting you live in a world of make believe

Until it forced the truth

Or lets you leave.

The end is inevitable

The pain is immense

Through anger and pain

Nothing, not even love, makes sense.

It is never just a change of heart

It is a sadistic twist of a knife

Turning and twisting

Leaving you scarred for life.

Soften The Pain

Here I sit, just waiting,

Waiting for your call,

Waiting just to hear your voice,

Just to soften the pain of missing you.

The pain is unbearable,

Waiting to see if you will call,

Waiting to hear what you will say,

If you have found somebody new.

Without you here by my side,

All the normal, everyday tasks,

Seem so difficult,

I just can't focus my mind.

I can't think of anything, but you,

The precious moments we have shared,

The happy times, many more of which to come,

The parting words and touch, so kind.

No End

How happy I could be

How life is all an illusion

How I want to end it all

Is there a painless solution?

Sinking in water

Screeching in flames

Is there no end to this world

No end to these games.

Love, Health, and Wealth?

Love, health, and wealth,

Are all said to bring happiness,

Into this world.

There's no love,

What's wealth?

There's plenty of racists, fascists, and cynics.

Would you bring a child into this world?

Little White Lies Of Love

I love you

But I don't

I miss you

But I don't want to.

You said, you were falling in love

You said, you wanted it to be special

But it ended

Nothing I could do.

I swear I hear you whisper my name

It's just a shame

We cannot be together everyday

I wish we could.

Well, I hope she was worth it

You tell me it was nothing

'I don't love her, I love you, My darling'

Little white lies of love.

I want you back

But I could not trust you

I want you back

But I could not love you.

Little white lies of love

There to keep us alive

Keep us breathing

Keep us living

Keep us loving

We all say and hear

Little white lies of love.

Jealous

In my world

Of broken dreams

Angels fall to earth

With a sickening thud

And a high pitched scream.

I hate her

But I don't know her

I don't care

She's stolen my dreams

Taken over my world

Memories of him, gone

To be replaced

By hatred for her.

Why her?

Why not me?

Am I so different?

She's taken my friend

A special person

A closeness

That can never be found again.

In my world

Of broken dreams

Angels fall to earth

With a sickening thud

And a high pitched scream.

Heaven Above

In memory of Gerald Mulholland 

Your face, an everlasting memory

Your love, a permanent fixture in my heart

In a dream, I see you face

If only we never had to part.

I could hold you forever

This world is cruel

Who knows, maybe one day,

Love will rule... one day.

Until then, with me always

Your memory, Your love,

Till we meet again

In Heaven's above.

Burning Bright

I saw a star, burning bright,

I thought I saw a star, in the dark sky,

A star glimmering, just for me,

A star, so dazzling and free.

Shimmering in the heavens above,

Glittering full of love

A star, so radiant for the world to see

But that star was just for me.

This World

Ever wondered what happened to loyalty?

Ever wondered what happened to respect?

Ever wondered what happened to nature?

They are all things this world seems to neglect.

Suicide

(Not an actual warning I am going to commit suicide!)

I just want to...

Put a gun against my head

Pull the trigger

And hope I'm dead.

I just want to...

Drown in a lake

Nothing I can do with me life

Nothing I can make.

I just want to...

Well, It' s all too late

Nobody can help me now

It's all too late.

Loneliness

So alone

Just sitting here

With my thoughts

With my words

To see me through

my emptiness

I want to end it all

Here and now

People may ask;

How?

When?

Where?

But they will never ask, Why?

They know.

You know.

Loneliness.

Little or Nothing

Friends ask

I tell them I'm over you

But what do they know?

What do they care?

I wish it was that simple

That I was over you

But how can I get over you?

How can I forget you?

Now that you are gone

I miss everything you did, we did,

And about you, the memories

I just wish you knew.

But if you knew

Would you care?

Would it change the way you felt?

I doubt it!

I want you to love me

Because you love to want me

Not just because of

The love I hold for you.

I know it is over

But I still refuse to believe

That the time, we spent,

Meant little or nothing.

Him!

Cupid

He is such a typical man

He plays with my emotion

Finds me someone

To shower with devotion.

He then finds them, a someone

A special friend

Will his sick games

Ever reach an end?

Aiming at me

Firing his lethal drug

Releasing hormones

To give my heartstrings a tug.

In my blood

At home, makes his dose

Of this killer drug

That wants me to find someone to hold close.

Why is it always me?

Is he really such a bad shot?

At someone else he aims?

I think not!

Intrigued

I don't know what it is

That you have got

But it is something special

Something precious.

You have captured my heart

Released my imagination

I am curious

Intrigued

I want to know more

More than there is to know.

Words soften

My heart, when spoken by your lips

They keep me hanging on.

Your thoughts

Keep me focused

Keep me optimistic.

I don't know what it is

That you have got

But it is something special

Something precious.

Goodbye

Since you have been gone

I have been waiting

Just to see you again

To ease the pain.

Saying sorry is supposed to be hard

Saying goodbye is often impossible

That word means so much

Especially to those you can't touch.

Why did you go?

Was it me? Did I drive you away?

I loved you just as much a I could

Sure that I always would.

I miss you already

You have only been gone a short while

Why were you taken away?

Why could you not just stay?

Would another day be any different?

Would you love me more?

Can't you please stay another day?

Does it have to end this way?

Everything Or Nothing

It happened so long ago

A day, special

So special, to many

But wonderful to two.

At first, showered,

Showered with love,

Gifts of extravagance

Games of innocence

Journeys of exploration

Everything, new and unique

Nothing, serious and certain

Confetti of doubts

Grains of dreams

A way of life

Diferent, exciting

Presents to show care

Rings to display love

Happiness etched on tha face

Love sheletered in the heart

Long luxorious dreams.

Everything, ends and dies

Nothing, true or lasts

Love kept on building

Vows turned to dust

Now the end is in sight

Discontented with memories

Do not want to be without

Love, feeling, or life.

The future, so far

The end, so near

Everything, to die for

Nothing, to live for.

Waves Wash Over Me

A million ocean's depths turquoise blue,

their piercing brilliantness catches me,

drenching me in love, passionate, and true,

resistance futile, trapped never to be free.

Romance blossomed as rich red roses grew,

each scarlet coloured petal, more unique,

each precious bud gave my heart something new,

until a new love you began to seek.

Now I'm alone, exposed as a coastline,

thoughts cascade like waves on wet sand,

making fossils out this heart of mine,

my teardrops beat to the own marching band.

How much erosion must take place – before

I find love to hold, cherish, and adore.