The Mount Perinatal Mother & Baby Unit

Due to my history of depression, I was supposed to be monitored throughout my pregnancy as I was at risk of post natal depression. However, I felt very unsupported. I had lost both my parents, I had an intermittent relationship with my brother, and few friends. The only real support I had was from my (separated from) husband, who was not the baby's father, leading to me feeling even more emotional turmoil. Add to this my past tendencies to use alcohol and drugs to cope, along with a serious court case involving a family member which raked up feeling I had blocked away (with said abuses). Oh and the ongoing therapy, and it's safe to say I was in a right state!

I reached crisis point, somewhere around here, Depression, self harm, pregnancy and F*ck Ups

I was admitted to The Mount Perinatal Mother & Baby Unit suffering severe depressive episode with self harm and OCD. I was thinking about ending my life, but the baby kept me going. Although there were times I sat and cried in shower, thinking about how to hurt or kill myself, but be found so baby could be saved / safe. I mean she'd be better off without me. I wanted my baby, but I didn't think I would cope, that I could ever do anything right. I was proof of that, I was a mess. I spent the last three months of my pregnancy there. Throughout that time, the staff were fantastic, friendly, helpful, and above all, not judgemental.

After the birth of my baby, I was transferred back from my local hospital to The Mount, where I continued to receive exceptional support, emotionally and practically. I was discharged when my baby was four weeks old. I don't think that I would have coped without them. I will be forever grateful to them for giving me that support I needed to become a mother.

I really do appreciate them all.

'Once in a lifetime' Olympic experience ~ Part One

Did you get caught up in Great Britain fever this summer? Either for the Queen's Jubilee, Wimbledon, the Olympics, or the Euro's?

I did to an extent, although given I was in hospital for most of it, not as much as I may have been otherwise.

However, I did manage some excitement about the Olympics. Mainly because I was lucky enough to get tickets! Yay!

I had won tickets with ITV and Cadbury back in September 2011, around the time I found out I was pregnant. I contacted the cadbury / ITV about this and they advised I need to contact the Olympics booking team. It started to turn in to a nightmare due to it been decided babies needed tickets. I needed a ticket for my baby, who wasn't born, and couldn't buy a ticket until she was born (nearly nine months later). Several emails were sent and finally in April / May of this year I received notification that a babes in arms policy had been introduced. Finally some sense.

I don't travel well at the best of times and combining this with my mental health issues and a new baby, I was panicking about everything! Instead of my usual panicking and stressing, leading to more anxiety, panicking, and stressing, I wrote a list of what could go wrong and tried to work through it (maybe the therapy was paying off). I checked the hotel had cots available. I checked how to get to the hotel, avoiding the Tube, I hate it at the best of times, never mind with baby.

Two days before we were due to set off, I still had a list of unanswered questions, more than any normal new mum would have! So I emailed the lady dealing with the prize package.

Two hours later I get a reply. The package doesn't allow anyone under 12 years old! Hmmm I have an 7 week old baby, I can see a problem here! I emailed back saying I had spoken to several people about my baby, why was this only just been pointed out to me now? I told them I had checked tickets were not needed, I have checked hotel had cots...

She told me she needed to check with package organisers. I checked their website and it stated person booking packages had to be over 18 but no stipulations on guests. I started to seriously panic. I started to look for rooms online, just in case. I had already paid for advance train tickets so figured I may as well go, if I could afford it, and get tickets. Twitter, as always, helpful in getting places to look. However the rooms were too expensive, no surprise. I found two rooms on eBay for one night each, separate sides of the city but best I could do. 

Still no reply from the package organisers, so Sunday (the night before we were due to leave), I emailed them saying I needed to know so I could pay for these rooms if needed. Finally the response came, we were good to go! Great news finally!

Breastfeeding (antenatal thoughts)

Just in case you don't know by now, Breast is Best.

So what happens when you can't breastfeed, or actually just don't want to? You become the scum of the Earth.

Throughout my pregnancy I was constantly told about how breast feeding is best for both, mum and baby. At every appointment I went to I received more leaflets on it. Now whilst I was pregnant and not in the best of (mental) health I was really struggling with everything. One of my major issues (and I'm fairly certain I'm not alone in this) is that EVERYTHING I can or don't do is a reflection of sh*t I am, an excuse to beat myself up and generally set the negative emotions and thoughts flowing, until I feel so crap that life isn't worth living.

My pregnancy (physically) was straight forward, despite the ongoing drama that can be the NHS. OK, so it wasn't the Disney 'life is wonderful, all glowing' experience, but no major issues either. I hoped that I would be able to breastfeed, I did not think otherwise. But then, what if I can't? I mean some women produce no milk, can't get baby to latch on, don't like it, and a million and one other reasons why they might not or cannot breast feed. This made me quite panicky, given my mental health and my uncertainty about being a mother, things obviously escalated quite quickly. It's the only thing I can do (personally) as a mother, so what if I can't? Obviously I'm right if thinking she'd be better elsewhere....

In the final months of my pregnancy I was admitted to The Mount. I had spoken about my fears with the staff there, who gave me lots of positive words. The phrase that stuck with me was 'There's a reason we have a milk kitchen'. And it helped, to an extent, but I decided I didn't want to think or talk about it. 

My Health Visitor came to meet me and her first question (not the only person to do so, I hasten to add) was, 'Are you going to breastfeed?'. I burst in to tears!