Blogging Every Day in August: Something new (Day 5)

Sarah at Yummy Mummy In Training has set herself a challenge of blogging every day in August and has listed her prompts. As my blogging is a bit hit and miss at the moment, I will be using her prompts to generate some ideas too.

Today's prompt is: Something new

Something new? Hmmm.

I could write about my new shoes, boots, or dresses.

I could write about what new things I'm hoping to do.

I could write about a new recipe.

I could write about a new blog I've found.

I could write about new places I've discovered.

I could write about new things Kiki can do (and probably will!).

But this something new is a strange one. 

I've blogged before about Self Harm, Dermatillomania (Skin Picking), and Trichotillomania (TTM), I've tried almost every trick in the book for coping. I've read other people's blogs; looked at online support; spoke to Shrinks, counsellors, survivors, sufferers, CPN's, and Therapists. I've drawn lines; poured food colouring; tried stress toys and fiddle things; held ice; used tattoos (real and temporary); tried false nails; the list goes on!

In my Pamper Package blog post I mentioned Spray Tans. As you can probably tell from my Wedding blog post pictures, I had another. I have had tans occasionally in the past (all barring one from a bottle, I'm a redhead so burn!), but this time, I've been conscious of not ruining it. Maybe because I had to go out in public, and couldn't hide. Although to be honest that normally makes me pick more!

I actually found that this has decreased my skin picking, albeit only for a couple of days, but that's something. I cannot remember the last time I went a day without picking. 

I doubt I will be a perma-tan kind of girl, I'm way too low maintenance for that, but it's another useful tool to have in times of major stress. Maybe next time I feel things building up, I'll book myself in for a little pamper. 

Maybe....

Benefit hoops and renewal

My Employment and Support allowance is due for renewal and as always, the letter filled me with dread. Anyone who has been involved in trying to claim benefits probably knows how hard it is. And if you have mental health problems, this can be exasperated by 100%!

I have said before, that although I'm not the sharpest tack in the box, I don't think I am illiterate or stupid. So why do the endless forms and hoops I have to jump through to claim benefits, that I don't want to be claiming, seem designed to trick, confuse, and destroy me?

That might seem an overreaction if you have never had to face the situation, I assure it isn't!

The whole form focuses on what you can't do to fit in with their criteria. I understand there has to be criteria, but having had to go through the appeal process previously, I was going in to meltdown at the thought of it. I started to receive a letter every couple of days over a period of about six weeks, everyone more confusing that the last. I didn't understand them or what I was meant to be doing! Each letter increasing my anxiety and stress levels 100 times! I had to get help from my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) to understand what I needed to do, when and how, as each one contradicted the previous one. In the end I was a crying, shaking mess every time one dropped through my letterbox, I stopped opening them, as I just couldn't cope with it anymore!

The hoops I feel I'm forced to jump through, increases my stress and anxiety levels, as well as my paranoia that it’s all going to be wrong. I worry I'll have to go to another tribunal; which although I eventually won my appeals, for both Employment & Support Allowance (ESA) and Disability Living Allowance (DLA) felt like a form of torture. Having to wait nearly a year to go in front of a panel and explain exactly how pathetic and unwell I feel. I was physically shaking, sick, and it was a major effort to attend. Had I not had support with me, I probably would have run away from it!

But when living with depression, everything is!

One of the main criteria DWP uses seems to be your G.P.'s opinion. Now I know many people who have mental health problems do see their G.P. as it is the only option available, but I don't. I rarely see my G.P. for any of my problems, as I have been lucky enough to see a consultant psychiatrist for several years, usually on a monthly basis. I also have my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) that I see weekly.  As I said, I know I'm lucky. However, DWP don't see it that way. They only write to your G.P., nobody else. Actually in their defence, they did write to my CPN's student (two prior to the one she was currently working with) last year! Nobody seems to know why or how they even got the students name.

At the time I was going in to meltdown over this, Charlotte Walker posting over at Purplepersuasion, wrote a blog post, It’s official – the WCA is unfair, in which she included a checklist of suggestions that may help. 

One thing really stood out for me:

Assume no knowledge.

A physiotherapist conducted my last medical, which led to the appeal.

The post came a great time for me, as many points helped me. I used the weeks since creating a dossier of information that might help. Which included a lengthy personal statement detailing exactly what my diagnosis was, what it meant to me in my daily life, and information on what each diagnosis meant and the medications needed to control it. I’m not sure if it will help, but I felt better knowing that I was providing them with everything they could possibly need. 

Now we wait….

 

'Once in a lifetime' Olympic experience ~ Part Two

Following on from the drama that was created leading up to this event (see 'Once in a lifetime' Olympic experience ~ Part One), I was feeling sick with nerves and stressed out by the time we set off.

When we arrived in London, I started to think I was in the wrong place. King's Cross Station was really quiet, I mean you could see the other side of the street! It was unnerving. We had planned to walk from the station to the hotel, as we were only staying a couple of days we had everything in one wheeled suitcase. It was about a 3 mile walk, but check in was from 4pm, so we had a few hours. We took a steady walk and stopped to have a rest / drink a couple of times.

We arrived at hotel at 3:45p.m.. Unfortunately, we should have been checked in and ready to leave by 4pm. Cue lots of rushing, things thrown about, baby changed, etc. All doing well to settle my nerves! 

The first stop was a meal at Kensington Place, which was lovely, and they quickly set up a space for a baby change. Off then to Earl's Court. As it was started to rain, a soldier on duty spotted the baby and took us through to a separate queue. Lovely! 

We watched the Men's Volleyball, first game USA V. Tunisia. Tunisia were already out, having lost all their previous matches, and it seemed apparent why. I really struggled to get interested. And it was roasting, but because of my paranoia around my Dermatillomania, I refused to take my cardigan off. 

During the break we wandered around the venue. Then went back for the second game, if I'm honest, waiting for it to be over so we could get back to hotel. Brazil V. Germany was a fiercely contested game, it looked like a different game entirely to the first one!

Tuesday was a meal at Browns Butlers Wharf (again nice meal), then onto the Olympic Park for the athletics. The venue was amazing, again volunteers and armed forces did a fantastic job. 

The highlight of the evening was Robert Harting's Gold medal winning celebration. He stripped off, run over to (I presume) wife, gave her a kiss and hug, jumped barrier to Olympic torch, then on his lap of honour, continued running and jumping the hurdles that were being set up. All very surreal and amusing!

I've never stayed at the Hilton before, but after the lovely welcome, great service, and food at the Hilton Paddington, I'd love to stay again, even if it is out of my price range until I win the lottery! 

My baby won't remember it but she can say she has been. If the Olympics are ever held in the UK again, it won't be in my lifetime. Overall, Cadbury and ITV were indeed correct, this was an 'Once in a lifetime' experience.

The Mount Perinatal Mother & Baby Unit

Due to my history of depression, I was supposed to be monitored throughout my pregnancy as I was at risk of post natal depression. However, I felt very unsupported. I had lost both my parents, I had an intermittent relationship with my brother, and few friends. The only real support I had was from my (separated from) husband, who was not the baby's father, leading to me feeling even more emotional turmoil. Add to this my past tendencies to use alcohol and drugs to cope, along with a serious court case involving a family member which raked up feeling I had blocked away (with said abuses). Oh and the ongoing therapy, and it's safe to say I was in a right state!

I reached crisis point, somewhere around here, Depression, self harm, pregnancy and F*ck Ups

I was admitted to The Mount Perinatal Mother & Baby Unit suffering severe depressive episode with self harm and OCD. I was thinking about ending my life, but the baby kept me going. Although there were times I sat and cried in shower, thinking about how to hurt or kill myself, but be found so baby could be saved / safe. I mean she'd be better off without me. I wanted my baby, but I didn't think I would cope, that I could ever do anything right. I was proof of that, I was a mess. I spent the last three months of my pregnancy there. Throughout that time, the staff were fantastic, friendly, helpful, and above all, not judgemental.

After the birth of my baby, I was transferred back from my local hospital to The Mount, where I continued to receive exceptional support, emotionally and practically. I was discharged when my baby was four weeks old. I don't think that I would have coped without them. I will be forever grateful to them for giving me that support I needed to become a mother.

I really do appreciate them all.